♥Love & Snow♥

♥I love my daughter♥

♥I love my fiance♥

♥I love our truck(usually)♥

♥I love our dog♥

♥I love our kitty♥

♥I love sleeping in bed with the love of my life♥

♥I love watching movies with him and kissing him♥

♥I love it when he holds me♥

♥I love to hear our beautiful girl laughs and babbles at me♥

♥I love when she smiles every time I come back into the room♥

♥I love how she needs me, wants me, because I am Mommy♥

Knowing her very heart depends on me, it is so amazing.


I will not be able to blog after tomorrow, not whenever I want anyways. So I am here to say staying up late for no reason is idiocy when you have a 4 month old. She sleeps all night long and I stay up too late! She sleeps 12 hours straight and I sleep for 5 or less usually.

Samantha saw snow for the first time today! She really wasn't to sure what to think of it, it was very cute! The dog was very happy to play outside though. I must go to bed now.....

Analogy

Love is like a road. The lines dividing N & S traffic represent communication, the fog lines on the shoulder represent understanding and commitment. N bound-Man S bound-Woman. If the two cross the lines of communication without truly communicating, they collide. This is ok occasionally but if it happens to many times, they go off road. If the lines of either commitment or understanding are crossed, to a place that knows neither, it is often very hard to find their way back...
Though if they can figure out how to communicate in the most affective way possible there is the potential to go on forever. As long as the proper measures are taken to continue to uphold the road. Love, intimacy, care, passion, compassion.


*Source of Analogy*

I love Michael so much he really does not know. Yes, I have worries and fears that do sometimes wander further than they should. But I am only human. I want so much for him to succeed with his dreams. Nothing could make me happier! However, I am at a loss as to what to say to him to convince him of these feelings. Yes, I was worried when we first moved up here, our communication with each other was not well. But we talked about all of the topics (I had written of between us) since then. He just came across the wrong thing at the wrong time I suppose. Now here I am with an upset fiance, and unsure what to do to help him see my heart again.

I said things I did not mean and the things I meant I did not say...

Regardless of where my fear took me that day, I love him unconditionally. I see his flaws and accept them with my heart and mind. I know what he has done and is capable of becoming. I see him each day and it seems he is getting farther away from me right now. He doesn't see past my anxiety or insecurity at this time and it is spinning out of context. I am placing no blame as there is none to place. He is only human as well. Hurtful things register one way at the point of discovery and it takes a few moments or days to change the conclusion which was made out of betrayal. Betrayal that, given the circumstance, he had every right to conclude.

He is half of me, my heart and soul, and he has blessed me with the other half in Samantha. I will never go a day in my life being ungrateful to him for the gift of our daughter and the gift of our love. Love that has with stood so much the last couple years that it seems we should be able to handle anything. So to the wicked, the downer, the demon, whomever it be testing our relationship- Hit me with your best shot, I am NOT giving up on the love of my life.

Something to Do

Yesterday I put Samantha down for tummy time and as soon as I put her arms underneath her she rolled over! She is getting so big so fast! She had a hold of my hair today and she just laughed and laughed, the single most amazing sound I have ever heard!! She plays with her toys now, reaches out for things you hand to her. My 4 month old, time flies! I love her with more than my heart could ever gather for anyone less than my child. I look at her things while she sleeps now and just the thought of her fills me with joy. I love every second of her being. This is precious precious time here, now. I will not waste it!

 

Photo Collage!

        So I am attempting my first photo collage with GIMP photo editing software. I am happy with my start though it is nowhere near finished. I am excited to see the end result but it will probably be a few days yet. It was going to just be Sydney (niece), Jordan & Jayden (Michaels sons), and Samantha but there are not enough quality pictures of the first three so it is now going to be a collage of Michael, myself, Jordan, Jayden, and Sydney. Mostly the kids but a couple of me with Sammi and a few of Michael with each of them. I really like editing pictures, it is just so very time consuming! Not everything, it helps now that I actually know what I am doing usually. But some projects take time. Here are a couple of my firsts....



((Her first real tears))

((Sammi >2 days old< and Sydney))

   

((I love her beautiful eyes))

((She had her face painted. The background was Michaels briliant idea))

((The LOVE of my LIFE))

          I am getting better, woo-hoo!! I want to start writing again, poetry used to come so natural to me... I don't know where that thought came from....

Birth Story

I had started getting contractions about 12pm Monday before we went in for my OB appointment at 2pm. Had my membranes swept at about 2:30. Contractions were 10 minutes apart and getting progressively stronger and more painful. Soon they were about 8 minutes apart and VERY painful back labor. 7pm Monday night I took about a 5 hour nap and woke to contractions coming every five minutes. I stayed up all night dozing off for almost an hour once, they were getting much stronger and ALL my pain was in my back. Michael slept all that night and about 8am he decided we should go be cause I couldn't walk or talk through them anymore. I was only at 2cm when they checked me in the hospital. We tried to walk around the hospital grounds but the back pain was horrendous so I got into the shower at L&D for a while. I tried to sit in the jacuzzi tub but squatting/bending/sitting (even on my birth ball) and walking were very painful at this point. After about 2 hours at the hospital Dr wrote me an ambien and lortab prescription and had me go home and relax. I never actually slept slept but rested well between contractions- Michael, my Ma and sister were all rubbing my back and feet trying to help me sleep. Then they started to get unbearably intense. DF said lets go back. I was at 3-4cm by then and was hoping for a natural birth. Michael came and met us there. By this time I had been in labor with serious back labor for about 30 hours. Well made it to 6cm in about 2 hours and I was BAWLING in between contractions which were about 3 minutes apart and 60+sec long. It was the perfect example of the chain of intervention---- I started with stadol (temporary IV pain relief- still mobile) then I received the sterile water injections (this HURT LIKE HELL do NOT do it) I labored in the birth tub for an hour or two, Michael rubbing my back for me. I gave into the epidural :(. All of my pain was in my tailbone. I am allergic to morphine so they used a different narcotic for the epidural. I got a catheter (which hurt like hell until about 3 hours ago when I finally got it out) Through the epidural I still felt intense pressure in my vaginal/perennial/ areas. I also began to have a slight fever and bad body shakes. I could feel the catheter jabbing me the whole time- this became my new pain focus as I couldn't feel the contractions much any more- just the pressure/pain down there. Dr. Eckstrom said that the epidural can stall labor- so lets break your water. I got to 7cm and stopped progressing. Dosed the epidural again (second time in a few hours)- instant intense body shakes-temperature spike. Received pitocin to try to restart contracions. Didn't work- received antibiotics because I was running a 102 fever and my HR was about 140 and Samantha's was around 200 for a good half hour. All the while still feeling severe perennial pain. We made the call for a C-section at about 4am this morning. The section was inevitable but my Dr left it up to me. Samantha LeiAnn was born at 4:48am July 14th 7lbs 0.7oz and 20.75 in long!!! APGAR 8-9. She cried for about 3 seconds right when she was born and I haven't heard her cry since! Michael told me that she let out a little cry when receiving her Hep-B shot. Other than that she has nursed great and sleeps great and is a very relaxed baby girl!!!!!!! She's soooo beautiful- I wish I would have held out because I know I probably wouldn't have stalled at 7cm if I hadn't had any interventions--- but all is well and she is amazing!!!

((First Picture))                                              

                                                                               ((Hospital))

And now!!!!!

Can't Sleep

Here I am, it's 3am again.

An old friend I cannot get off of my mind.

I lay down and try to sleep,

But I can't help but think of him tonight.

Reminiscing-

I think of all the good times, everything we did,

and I really miss him.

I just can't believe what happened,

he was a great man.

Such a good friend to me,

such a good friend to everybody.

Weeks after 21, he was taken.

His amazing life, only just begun-

One thing we can say about him.

he lived life to the fullest,

never held a grudge
and if he did, you'd never know it.
He was nothing short of a best friend.

I wish we had done something,

hung out a little more in the end.

I was there at your funeral,

I came to say goodbye.

But even still, it's all so wrong

I can't believe someone took your life...

So again, just to tell you-

we think about you all the time.

We miss you man,

seven months has flown by.

Wish you were here,
to swap some stories,
smoke a bowl.

Even though its been seven months-

It is so hard to see you go........

******************************

         James Matthew Powers passed away 7 months ago on Easter Sunday. He was found in the Whitefish River the morning of April 6th, 2010. He had died April 4th and someone put him into the river the morning of the 6th. He was one of the best people I have ever known. I (We) miss him so much. I knew him for about 4 years before he died and for a couple summers all we did was party. James was always there for you, no matter what. He held no grudges, he did some things he might have done differently but he was always straight and true to his friends. He was my first race when I got my license, almost ran me off the road that day. He was very proud to say his Audi beat my Datsun 280zx. He was a good friend, brother, uncle, cousin, employee. He was one of those people where you say "The good are always the first to go."

((The one on the right))

         IF Michael and I have a son, I am so thrilled and proud to say his name will be, without a doubt, James Matthew Thomas. We would name our son after him hoping our boy would turn out to be half as good a person Powers was. As I am sure he would.

        Well, I just needed to get that out. Maybe I can sleep now. Though that is not all that is on my mind tonight, it is the most complex.

Computer

Well, we now have the computer until Nov. 26th!

We are having some trouble right now. I am sure we will work it out though, we always have. With the move and Michael not starting his job until November 29th, things are tight. I am just happy it's finally just us again. I couldn't stand being away from him while I was pregnant and then it was Samantha and I all of August. I missed him too much. He is worried and so am I though I know we will be ok. Don't have much else to post here tonight. Maybe tomorrow...

Some Milestones

So before we lose our computer I would like to list some of the milestones Samantha has reached.

*She rolled over her first time at 3 weeks. Didn't do it again until 2 days ago. Tummy to back, she rolled twice.
*Her first smile in the beggining of September was so precious!!!!
*Her head control is so good. She was lazy with holding her head up during tummy time at first but recently has decided it's not so bad. She is super steady when being held or on my chest.
*She sits with help, as she is only 3.5 months. But she did balance alone for about 8 seconds a couple days ago.
*She has been sleeping through the night for almost 2 months now. As soon as I began a bed time routine she slept for 9 hours straight! She is a great sleeper so far.

Others to be posted!

The Begginings of A New Blog-

So I have decided to start a blog. So many people have them now and it brought to my attention how sentimental it will be to have a blog of life with my family. Ten years from now, I hope to be happy I began this blog. So I suppose I can list some of our goals.

In one year....
*Having had a lot of fun introducing Samantha to solids via Baby-Led Weaning.
*Potty training will have begun.
*Have a regular visitation schedule with Michaels boys. Jordan, born November 2006 and Jayden, born January 2009.
*Have a good relationship with those boys. And hopefully a civil one with their Mother, Jamie.
*Have the Pathfinder running perfectly again.


In five years....
*We will be married! (hopefully with Samantha and a sibling)
*Relocated to the place we want to start our life. (?Sacramento, CA?)
*I would like for Michael to be completed with the Buisness Management part of his schooling. Also, at least a third of the way through his Automotive training courses.
*I hope to have at least a 2 year degree myself as I have not yet decided what I want to do.
*We will be at the beggining proceedings of buying our own house, if we haven't already.
*Own at least two vehicles.
*Have zero debt, and a nice credit score for us both.

In ten years....
*Michaels buisness should be well under way and doing well.
*Hope to be at least a third of the way through a mortgage contract.
*Own four vehicles.
*A four year degree on my part. (Still Undecided)

So, there you have it. My hopes and dreams, though not detailed, in a nutshell. I encourage anyone who reads this to sit down and list their own goals for life. Even better, those who read this have reached their goals.

Sadly, I must say our computer will be leaving us tomorrow. I will write down what I would have been posting here. I would very much like to keep this up and wish I had began sooner. Well, lets see how this works...