I vs. Me

This was something I wrote for my Interpersonal Communications class on September 10th, 2013- 16 days before our baby girl was born. I am very happy to say it has been a much more natural transition than I had feared.....

 

            I’m tired, irritated, and done dealing with stupid people. I can’t sleep, I can’t poop and even eating is a chore. I wake up with heartburn that lasts all day, doesn’t matter if I do or don’t eat or drink, it never really goes away anymore. I still can’t believe it was the first day of spring 2013 semester, my first day at LCSC, when I found out. Those stupid little plastic sticks really have their own special way of telling you your birth control was the WRONG option, next thing you know you’re starting Fall semester 8 ½ months pregnant.

Alright it’s time to get up, get ready and smile for god sake. Time to interact, what a joy.
“You look so cute!”

“Thanks.”

“You look huge!”

“Jee, I didn’t notice.”

And the biggest lie every pregnant woman tells on a daily basis,

“How are you feeling?”

(Refer back to this morning)

“G.R.E.A.T. Now go away.”

Another happy day as a joyous pregnant woman, so happy to be in a committed relationship and welcoming baby number two.

            Honestly, Andy is amazing with my daughter, Sammi. He has stepped up to be the Father hers chose not to and they adore each other, he is all she knows as Daddy because she was too young to remember him. I’m so deeply worried that he will be one of the step-parents who changes once they have their own baby. I imagine the hurt it would cause Sammi to see her Daddy openly love another daughter more than her. I feel like a bad Mom for taking the bond I have built with her and forcing her to share it. I’m terrified of having two kids, not to mention the tears of regret that well up every time I see the stretch marks I’m getting, I never got one single mark the first time. School saves my sanity, it gives me an escape even though it’s tough to always act so happy, to hide my fear. I’m excited for a new baby, Sammi is excited to be a big sister. I remember those first weeks with Sammi, they were so intimate and are so special to me, I can’t even fathom feeling those experiences for someone else. Those are our memories and I don’t want to lose them in this other baby. We went through so much with her “dad”, weathered the worst together in a town with no support or family. She’s my favorite, that’s what I tell her, and now I can’t because it won’t be fair to this other baby. Well I don’t think that’s fair to my Sammi, she will forever be my first favorite but there’s no way to fairly distinguish that to them in a way they would understand.

I could do 22 year old college student, Mother of 1 no problem. But this 23 year old college student, soon to be Mother of 2 cries at night. She cries for the loss of her first baby, the one who can no longer be the baby because she is “Big Sister”. She cries for the short temper with which her favorites last months as the baby have been spent. There seemed to be so much time left with just her and now it’s gone, I’ll never get it back. I’ve wasted it being pregnant and tired and hormonal. It’s just gone.

I started typing this wondering if it would fit for the assignment, hoping it would be “right”. This was the second paper I rough drafted, the rough draft doesn’t go on quite the same. I know now that this is the perfect paper because by the time I got to the last paragraph I was crying so hard I could barely see to finish typing. All the things I want to say but am too ashamed to tell Andy, my mom, or a friend because I feel like it makes me a bad Mother. I won’t love this baby girl any less but it’s hard to let go of Samantha as my favorite, my baby, and I feel like I have to long before I’m ready. Dear God, I hope I’m ready.